


in your heat i feel how cold it can get

by tragickenobi



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mutual Pining, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 04:58:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9163054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tragickenobi/pseuds/tragickenobi
Summary: a kink meme fill; bodhi and cassian find out they're going to be dads. complications ensue.





	

**Author's Note:**

> prompt: " Cassian and Bodhi hooked up once and never acknowledged it afterwards. Either it was before/after Scarif or another mission due to the stress and adrenaline, they were drunk celebrating, whatever. Bodhi assumes Cassian wasn't truly interested in him and Cassian hates that he allowed his personal interests to interfere with work. They both have feelings towards each other, but neither acts on it and tries to settle with their time together being a one night fling.
> 
> Bodhi ends up pregnant from their one time together. He freaks out. He's worried what Cassian will say. He then worries that Cassian is only agreeing to help him with the baby out of a sense of duty and not because he's really happy/likes him/etc. "
> 
>  
> 
> also chirrut is trans in everything i write now i make the rules here
> 
> title from warmth by bastille , thanku lauren for making me listen to their album over and over

 

 

Bodhi getting crushes was not uncommon. He liked plenty of people, and anyone who gave him some positive attention was more than likely to get an anxious blush and attention from him as well. Point being- he’s not expecting his crush on Cassian to be anything past that, just a fleeting crush. Just a nice looking guy who was kind enough to let Bodhi stay in his circle of friends. He'd had plenty of similar cases during training, throughout his time in the Empire; logically, the Rebellion shouldn't provide any different results.

Except that Cassian was one of Bodhi’s only crushes that he'd actually gotten to fool around with. Not that he was ever even expecting it; it was only the result of Bodhi’s total lack of self preservation and Cassian having the patience to wait until they were alone on the ship to get on his case about it. He might've made the first move, Cassian might have, but ultimately it ends with a hurried fuck in one of the empty storage holds, both of them desperate and high on adrenaline. Bodhi can't even really believe it happened as it did, fast and without a single hesitation on Cassian’s part, though even if he can't believe it, Bodhi more than welcomes it. A little validation never hurts.

Still, it doesn't last, not like Bodhi had expected it to. He hopes, sure, but even the blind man must notice the new tenseness in their interactions, awkwardness that hadn't been there before. The message reads loud and clear- it should never have happened, and the sooner they move past it back to their usual relationship, the better.

Bodhi wishes it was that simple. Even if he were able to bury down the feelings so he could forget they were there, he never gets the chance to try. No more than a month after it happens is when Bodhi’s monthly check up is scheduled- which although not mandatory, helps knock his anxiety down to half of what it would normally be. Just like last month, he's fine, the medical droid confirms for him, both he and the child are perfectly healthy.

Bodhi asks for that to be repeated, and instead the droid comments on how his heart rate just doubled within seconds.

Unfortunately, it was never a situation that Bodhi had ever considered happening. He’d barely had enough time for intimacy during his time working for the Empire, and still little so now. So when the droid asks him if he wants this going to term or if he wants termination, his knee-jerk reaction is that of course he's keeping. The droid gives him a holo about each term (which, would be somehow adorable compared to the Empire’s policy on this sort of thing if Bodhi weren't still shaking) and- that's the extent of what he knows. That he's gotten pregnant and the dad is the one person who definitely will want nothing to do with it.

Bodhi thanks the Force that no one is in his room before he falls gracelessly onto his bunk, hiding his head under his pillow. He wants to disappear, drop off the map and just not deal with any of this. As if he weren't already a natural outsider with his status of being an Imperial defector, now there's this. Now he gets to be the one with the worst possible timing, he's going to be the one that ends up tying Cassian down somewhere he doesn't want to be.

He can't really name a logical reason he could want to go through with it. He hadn't had contact with any family for years, so his sister dying on Jedha several months prior couldn't exactly be a catalyst for wanting to keep a family going. It's not like he's ever been very fond of kids in general either. He just- wants this. Even though he shouldn't.

An hour probably passes before Bodhi has enough willpower to sit himself up on his bunk, pushing his hair back behind his ears with a shaky exhale. He doesn't even know where to start, if he should tell Cassian or seriously consider dropping off the map before he starts showing. And that's another thought that makes Bodhi feel sick, and he's not even sure if it's an effect of his pregnancy or just his nerves.

He figures he can go some time before revealing this whole thing. Figure out a plan, get somewhere to go should he actually need to run off and be a single dad for the rest of his natural life. Bodhi is still thinking about it come later that evening, eating his dinner out near the landing strip. He tries to focus on something else, be it the sunset or the sounds of engines as the mechanics tune up some of the more broken ships, but the whole situation is still at the forefront of his mind. It doesn't taste like he's eating more than gray shapeless mush.

Something hits the backs of his calves and Bodhi almost jumps out of his shoes. It takes him several additional seconds to recognize the staff before the Chirrut attached to it follows. He initially rolls his eyes a little, wanting to hit himself for not hearing him coming, before he actually focuses on the man now standing beside him. Baze follows up several steps behind.

“Wondered why you'd left,” Chirrut comments calmly, slightly facing Bodhi’s direction before adjusting his grip on his staff and turning it to gently tap Bodhi’s stomach. “Congratulations.”

Bodhi stares incredulously at Chirrut for several long seconds before he shifts the look up to Baze, who's only offer of explanation is a tired shrug and half smile. An I-just-followed-him look.

“The Force around you is tense, but lively as it wasn't before; it was the only explanation.” Chirrut clarifies as Bodhi gently pushes away his staff. “Only now you've become aware of it. You seem more anxious than excited.”

After giving him another look, Bodhi deadpans “Having a kid in the middle of a war, what guy wouldn't be thrilled?”

Chirrut chuckles and rests against his staff, glancing back where Baze rests against the wall, a few feet to the left of Bodhi. “He's not excited at all.”

Baze smiles with faint amusement. “I don't blame him too much,” he murmurs, rubbing over his shoulder where his armor usually rests. Bodhi smiles briefly at the more neutral reaction. “How's the father?”

And Bodhi slips back into his distress in mere seconds, looking away while his fingers trace along the edge of the mostly empty plate. “Probably not in the picture. I don't know. I mean- I _know_ who but-” he cuts himself off before he can begin to ramble, dropping his head back against the wall with a sigh.

Now both men are watching him with concern of varying levels and Bodhi is sure he'd much rather be suffocating himself in his own pillow than have to verbally figure this out.

Chirrut’s stares have long since stopped making Bodhi uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean they're easy to be the focus of either. “If you haven't told him yet, how do you know?”

Bodhi shrugs and finally just sets down the plate near his feet, any remaining appetite long gone. “Because he doesn't have time to be a dad, no one here does. And even if he did he's not going to want this.”

“I think you mistake a lack of self confidence for disinterest.”

“Cassian is the last person who could possibly want to throw an innocent kid into the middle of all this fighting.”

Bodhi gets two different reactions; Baze’s is a simple noise of acknowledgement, an almost-smile; Chirrut’s grin almost overtakes his face as he hits Bodhi’s calf again with his staff.

“You think Cassian wouldn't do anything to support his friends and lover?” Chirrut asks almost playfully, and Bodhi is thankful only Baze can see his face turn a shade darker with blush. “No matter what he might feel, he is a man who honors his responsibilities. He is the last person who would let you down.”

Bodhi allows himself no more than five seconds to be touched by Chirrut’s final statement before his pessimism ruins it. He can't realistically imagine the world where Cassian even wants him, let alone a subsequent family. Before he can verbalize his thoughts, Chirrut steps a little closer and gently taps Bodhi’s ankle with his staff. “From one to another, I suggest you take advantage of this, have optimism. The Force gives you a gift with this child, to have one at all. If some day your mind changes, you don't always get the chance for the optimal timing you want.”

“It's not- I want it to be that easy to accept, but it's not, and-” Chirrut thwacks at his calves again, a little harder, and Bodhi makes a noise of pain, swatting at the staff, “-and _stop_ , won't you?”

Chirrut moves his staff up to tilt Bodhi’s chin so they're making as close to eye contact as they'll ever get. “From one to another,” he repeats, and it finally clicks what he means, “know this will be a good thing.” Then he smiles, retracting his staff. “And Baze and I will gladly protect you should the situation arise.”

Both Baze and Bodhi laugh quietly, even as Bodhi nods softly and murmurs a soft “thanks”. Chirrut seems to find the conversation over with, still smiling as he pats Bodhi’s shoulder before walking back the way he'd come. Baze repeats the gesture, a little more gentle as if making sure Bodhi knows the offer of protection is serious. Even if he still feels a little shaky, Bodhi nods again and smiles back at Baze thankfully, watching him as he follows Chirrut back to the mess hall.

Bodhi takes a small deep breath once he's alone, fiddling with a loose hair that had fallen onto his shoulder. It feels like only the lesser of two evils to actually talk to Cassian about this, but he supposes it's the decent thing to do.

Worst case scenario, he has some protection, be it physical or emotional in need. Even if he's sure he won't require it. It doesn't hurt.

 

-

 

It takes him almost a week, but Bodhi does eventually manage to get Cassian alone to talk with him. He's pretty sure it's a miracle he doesn't start hyperventilating in the middle of it all, and he rambles for a solid two minutes before actually revealing the fact that he's gotten knocked up. Bodhi feels like he needs a drink he's not going to get for a good many months now.

Cassian’s reaction is probably the best Bodhi could've realistically hoped for. He doesn't immediately deny that it's him and take for the hills. He's almost painfully calm about it, stunned only for a short moment before affirming that Bodhi is sure and then asking how he wants to do this. It's something still hesitant and notably awkward, but at the end of it Cassian still promises he’ll be there for anything, even hugs Bodhi before he has to run off to some meeting. It's nothing like what happens in the romantic holos, but Bodhi had never been expecting that much.

It still sort of hurts that their interactions after that never change. No one really talks about the pregnancy thing outside their circle, which, Bodhi does prefer, but it still feels like _everyone_ knows. He gets a couple looks that he knows can't be about anything else; either because of decency or his friends constantly being near, it never gets worse than that. The restraint in cruelness doesn't help him sleep at night.

Cassian does help, but it's still too strange to gain much comfort from. He's gentle and careful with everything he says, only it feels like he's increasingly anxious to get away from Bodhi when they're alone; because in groups, it's all fine and they can joke and talk to each other like functioning men, but alone it feels like he's watching Cassian relive his regret for their brief time together again and again. Bodhi brings it up a few times that if Cassian doesn't want this, they could look into other options, but it's always insisted that he's more than happy to be a father. Hard to believe when he can't last an hour alone with the other dad.

Bodhi’s best distractions are the simplest of missions, leaving the base for any period of time to clear his head in the vastness of space. Half a day just doing supply runs can be enough. But sometimes his thoughts wander and he thinks about the ships too deeply, thinks about storage holds and the weird mix of the smell of engine grease and sweat and the way Cassian had held onto him like he'd genuinely wanted him, and he doesn't want to be anywhere but on the ground for the rest of the day. He hates how consumed he feels by the whole thing and how inescapable it seems. No matter what he does or thinks, he can't get away from it.

Time passes oddly for everyone on the base, and Bodhi doesn't keep track outside of his next scheduled mission or appointment, but he's certain a long number of weeks pass. He thinks he might’ve been adopted by Chirrut and Baze, who either have the best worst timing or simply have a tracker on him in order to be always near as soon as Cassian has left the area. Most of their advice remains the same, to try and be optimistic and speak to Cassian instead of just fearing the worst with every new interaction. Bodhi doesn't listen to most of it, but sometimes the thought behind it is enough to lift his spirits however briefly.

At some point maybe barely two months in, he comes back from a three day-long supply run right in the middle of dinner, a little buzzing with the high that had come from the flight back and almost feeling okay again as he jokes back and forth with the others who'd helped with the shipment on their way to the mess hall. He can't tell if a bump has barely started to form or if his eyes are just failing him. The adrenaline high lasts until they're inside, loading food onto their plates, finding empty spots at tables or against the wall. It's easy for Bodhi to pick out his friends, pressed into a corner table with an empty space reserved with boots that are more than likely Jyn’s. He can tell Baze and Chirrut are in their own world, talking amongst themselves, while Jyn and Cassian are carrying on their own conversation.

Bodhi doesn't realize he's been staring until Cassian actually glances up and notices him standing there. He smiles, brief and forced, and Bodhi just- feels a little too tired to over-analyze why the quickness of it goes right to his stomach and turns it over and over. So instead of walking to take the spot next to Jyn, Bodhi returns the smile before mouthing “tired”, making a beeline for the archways out to the halls.

He doesn't get much of a glance, but he's rather certain the conversation shifts to him by the time he leaves the room, snacking at his plate before throwing it away at the first place of disposal he comes across. Jyn had looked almost mad when she turned back to Cassian; he's not going to stay near a mad Jyn regardless.

Bodhi meanders on his way back to his room, taking down his hair and using the time to stretch out his legs. He thinks about the baby of course, wonders at what point it'll be unsafe for him to be flying and that's when he’ll probably hit rock bottom. Thoughts drift then to Chirrut and Baze, and he wonders if Chirrut’s statement about optimal timing had been purely advice or if they'd truly never gotten the chance. He wonders if they’d ever tried, or if they had and any number of disasters had befallen them. His heart hurts for them just as much as it hurts for himself, maybe moreso.

He thinks about Jyn some, but he's mostly made his peace there. They'd talked about it before, both about Cassian and the kid, and Bodhi’s not blind to how close the two remain. Jyn’s answer to his anxieties, thinly-veiled as casual questions, had been “If at any point before there was something, it's long gone now.” He tries not to think about how she only speaks for herself, not Cassian.

Bodhi comes to his room before his thoughts can wander further, exhaling with thankfulness as he slips inside to be alone. He hadn't realized he'd started shaking at some point, hands slightly trembling at his sides before he clenches them into fists in a vain attempt to stop it. The feeling of weak hopelessness comes back to him again. Bodhi throws a half-hearted kick at the door in irritation with himself before laying down on his bunk with a gentle bounce. It smells like detergent and burnt rubber that might never come out.

It sucks but he starts to think again, about Cassian because apparently that's what his brain is hardwired on. He digs up some older memories of their missions together, after the destruction of the Death Star and it had felt like they'd really _won._ Cassian had made him his pilot of choice, and they'd spent so much time together it’d felt for a while like they were really on their way towards something better than what had ended up happening.

But instead Bodhi had almost gotten himself killed to save a few straggling men, and Cassian had reprimanded him alone and that's where the whole problem stemmed from.

Bodhi muffles a noise of annoyance into his pillow. He hates himself for not having just taken Cassian getting upset at him, because if he hadn't argued back about doing the right thing and his own expendability, there would be no issue whatsoever. And he thinks maybe the whole rebellious streak ‘doing-what-he-believed-in’ thing that started with Galen has caused more harm than good to himself and everyone around him.

While his face is still buried in his pillow, Bodhi hears the door creak as it opens. His irritation swivels quickly onto whoever has walked in on his pity party, assumedly Chirrut with some words of wisdom that Bodhi isn’t brave enough to employ. When he pulls his pillow away to glare, he’s not expecting Cassian to be standing there. Bodhi’s face clears instantly, annoyance being replaced with the return of faint longing and enough embarrassment to probably end a lesser man.

“Dinner over?” he asks, wanting to kick himself a moment later for how lame it comes out. He figures it’s better than verbalizing his thoughts on Cassian clearly not having shaved for a while and the fact that it’s really, painfully distracting.

Cassian shakes his head slightly and smiles for only a brief second- always with the blink-and-you’ll-miss-it little smiles- before leaning against the doorframe. “I, uh, was actually hoping to talk to you about something. I don’t take it you’re busy.”

Bodhi spares a glance down at the pillow in his lap and tries not to let his face go red, hating how obviously a mess he is. The thought almost distracts him from Cassian’s first statement and that sends a whole other wave of panic into his gut. “No, yeah, I’m not-” he gestures vaguely as his words scramble themselves together, forcing a small laugh before getting out “go ahead”.

The air feels thick with some kind of tension that seems intent on choking Bodhi as he watches Cassian slip properly into the room, shutting the door with a quiet click behind him. Bodhi briefly fiddles with the pillow before setting it aside, remaining on his bunk as he looks up at Cassian, who has his lip between his teeth and looks more in thought than being truly focused on anything else.

Cassian finally stills once he's stood in front of Bodhi, running a hand back through his hair once before speaking. “I- well I was hoping to apologize. No, I _am_ apologizing.” He clears his throat and smiles nervously, glancing at the floor rather than at Bodhi. “I’ve been acting terribly towards you, and I’m so sorry for it.”

At first, Bodhi debates pinching himself because there’s no way they’d gone from hardly talking normally to an apology of all things, before his shields come up preemptively with the realization that no, he’s not just dreaming this. “You don’t have to be. And- look, if the others are making you say this, it’s fine. I’m fine.”

Cassian stares at Bodhi in what looks like surprise for several long seconds. “I wouldn’t apologize if I didn’t believe that I’ve hurt you,” he states firmly, and Bodhi wants so badly to believe him.

But instead Bodhi just feels his stomach do another flip and the weeks of their strained interactions feels like a mountain compared to Cassian’s words. He shakes his head and scoots forward enough that he can stand. “Apology accepted, but you didn’t have to,” he answers, looking at Cassian for only a brief second before the situation presses on him harder, driving him towards the door.

He doesn’t get very far; before he can reach the door, Cassian steps between it and him, concern etched over his face feeling painfully familiar. Bodhi tries not to think about it, or the way he's feeling déjà vu with the painful urge to kiss the look away. “Please,” Cassian insists, “let me explain, even just a little.”

Bodhi still can’t get the idea that Cassian is only doing this to appease the worries of their friends, and he can’t bring himself to say anything at all. The silence he gives must be read as the okay to go on. Bodhi’s hand starts to lightly tremble again once Cassian goes into his explanation.

“I haven't been fair to you throughout this whole time and even before it, and you have every right to be upset or however you want to feel,” he takes a small breath, rubbing his palms against the sides of his jacket before going on, “I- I want something with you, I have since before this whole thing got out of control. It was never supposed to happen like it did; I didn't want it to start out founded on some quick fuck, and I shouldn't have taken advantage of you like I did.”

“You didn't.” Bodhi insists, only cutting in because the insinuation that he hadn’t been completely willing to be with Cassian in any context rubs him in more wrong ways than one.

Cassian shakes his head and sticks his hands into his pockets, switching frequently between actually looking at Bodhi and anywhere else. “My biggest worry was that I’d ruined any chance for there to be a healthy relationship with us. So I thought if I backed off and gave it time to let the incident fade, then it might help something work out. But- we can't exactly forget about it now, and that's just as much my fault, and I assumed you wouldn't ever want something like I do after all this. And I didn't realize what pulling away like that would do to you.” Cassian smiles sadly to himself, “Or if I did I didn’t think you’d mind if I slipped away a little. I can’t apologize enough.”

He takes a small deep breath and takes his hands out again to wipe them against his jacket, eyes glued to the floor as Bodhi tries to register half of what Cassian had said. Ignoring the fact that he feels like the galaxy’s biggest ass for never considering that Cassian had wanted more too, his heart starts to beat painfully fast as his emotions start to take form into very vivid shocks of want and angst. How long would they have tiptoed around each other if Cassian hadn’t spoken up first? How had Bodhi been so previously brave only to turn coward now?

In lieu of answering, Bodhi allows a smile onto his face before stepping close enough to wrap his arms around Cassian and tug him in, face resting against his shoulder with a quiet exhale. His mind whirs in a constant loop of _he wants me_. Cassian initially seems hesitant, but there’s no time for it to mean anything as the man places his hands on Bodhi’s shoulder blades, resting his head on the opposite side of Bodhi’s neck. The constant warm breath hitting his skin is enough to ease any remaining nerves that had still been clinging to him.

“If you want we could start over,” Bodhi murmurs once they’ve settled into the feeling of each other, skin breaking out in goosebumps as Cassian traces a shapeless form along the middle of his back. “Just- start from before any of this and go from there.”

Cassian pulls back just enough to get a glimpse of Bodhi’s face, a faint smile tugging at his lips. “How far back do we start?”

After a moment of consideration, Bodhi smiles back and shifts so that he can take Cassian’s hand in a firm shake. “Bodhi Rook. Pilot. I’d really like to get to kiss you again.”

Cassian’s smile turns into a wide grin, his other hand moving down to gently squeeze Bodhi’s hip before he returns Bodhi’s tight grip. “Cassian Andor. Don’t let me stop you.”

This time there’s no hesitation. Bodhi lets go of Cassian’s hand in favor of grabbing onto the man’s jacket lapel and pulling him in those last few inches. He’s greeted with warmth and both of Cassian’s hands holding onto him tightly. In some ways it’s similar to the first time, drawing out desperation that Bodhi hadn’t realized had been so strong until he’d finally gotten this back. But instead of it being accompanied with adrenaline and the fear of dying, Bodhi’s hit with the needy passion he’d been all but begging for for months. Both hands end up fisted up in Cassian’s jacket as they get more into it, heart still beating wildly as Bodhi presses impossibly closer. They move until he feels Cassian bump the wall next to the door.

Even as the kiss tapers off in favor of catching air, Bodhi’s mouth is never more than a few inches away from Cassian’s. Goosebumps come again when Cassian’s hands move from waist to stomach, thumbs firmly smoothing out the shirt in time with his smile coming back full-force. Bodhi can only blush as his confidence melts into something warm and fuzzy throughout his chest.

“I’m glad it’s you,” Cassian whispers, pressing their foreheads together and brushing a light kiss over Bodhi’s cheek. “Even with the war, having a family- and having it with someone as good as you- is more than I could’ve asked for with this life. I’m so glad it’s with you.”

Bodhi opens his eyes long enough to make eye contact with Cassian, a thousand different things running through his mind and all of them have something to do with how absolutely, undeniably in love he’s in. He’s rather certain he’s never going to deserve this man, not after dragging all that suffering out for both of them, but the thought is dashed away when Cassian kisses him again with the same level of desperate emotion. It makes the pain ebb away a little faster.

At some point, they end up on the floor, Bodhi knelt between Cassian’s legs as he runs one hand carefully through his hair, focused solely on having the man close. He’s warm and gentle and slow, an adjustment from their only other previous intimate experience. Bodhi watches him near constantly, taking advantage of this time to finally memorize the feel of Cassian’s face, running his fingers over every little line and tickle of growing beard.

Cassian eventually breaks their silence, cupping the side of Bodhi’s jaw after so long of sitting there and making up for lost time. “Are you okay?”

Bodhi meets Cassian’s eyes and on cue his heartbeat goes a little sporadic. He’s practically drawn into the feeling of his hand, callouses mixed alongside the otherwise surprisingly soft skin. “I am now.”

They both smile at each other, falling quickly back into their silence of kissing and memorization of every inch of the other. Somewhere, distantly, Bodhi is sure someone is laughing at him for having made this so hard. He’ll probably laugh at himself too eventually, when the slight high wears off, but for now all he can do is revel.

But he’s sure it’s going to be Chirrut laughing. He’s positive.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> hopefully this is.. adequate. basically i wanted to claim this before any gross cis mpreg could taint this idea and everyone in rogue one is trans in some way anyway why not set it in digital stone
> 
> tumblr is still imwvemalbus hmu :-)


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